The Rare and Elusive Kier

Ever since I can remember I have been a bit of a Naturalist, (for those of you, who like me, are getting a bit short sighted) that is somebody interested in wildlife, not a Naturist - somebody who likes walking around naked, it's too cold in the UK for that sort of behaviour. I regularly put out seed and food scraps to attract birds to my garden and in my last house I had a pond that attracted frogs, newts and all manner of insects. When walking over the forest I am in raptures if I see a herd of deer, I'm not quite so amused when they run out in front of my car though.

Lately I have been attempting to attract another large mammal to my garden, the 'Kier', this is fauna of the family called 'Refuse Collectors'. They are a form of scavenger who apparently feed on household and garden waste. Wealden District Council made a great show earlier in the year of promoting the 'Kier refuse collector', at vast expense to the Council tax paying residents, they gave every household in the Wealden District of East Sussex a shiny new wheely bin and glossy pamphlets explaining how to attract the kier to your garden.

Glossy pamphlets supplied at great expense to the Council tax payers.


According to the Council literature Kier are patrol feeders much like carp in a lake, they will visit your property one day each week as regular as clockwork. In my case this visitation apparently happens on Mondays. Kier enjoy a variety of different baits which must be put out on alternate weeks. The first week they take general household waste and on the second week they enjoy nothing better than garden waste, cardboard, tins, plastics and the odd box full of glass bottles. In our house, due to the vast amount of wine supped on a normal weekend we have a large supply of glass bottles.

I was also informed that these visitations would begin at the end of July. So unable to contain my excitement I set up my bait station on the curtilage of my property as directed in the pamphlet, with a variety of tasty morsels and waited for the arrival of the Kier. Initially everything went well, the Kier arrived on schedule just as promised. I never saw one in the early days as they took the bait away with them, I assume to the den to feed their young at leisure.

A couple of weeks later I actually saw the tail end of a Kier, resplendent in it's luminescent orange plumage chasing down the road after it's colleagues. It was apparent from this sighting that they hunt in packs, like Essex girls on a Saturday night out. I felt that I was privileged for this passing glimpse of one, as other residents of Wealden District had apparently been writing to the news papers complaining that their bait stations had never been visited by the Kier.

Bait station with shiny new wheely bin and lots of glass bottles.


Unfortunately they haven't visited my feeding station for two weeks now and I am getting a back log of bait. Kier are obviously warm weather feeders as the visitations stopped just at the time that Summer gales blew in and the temperature plummeted. I have contacted Wealden District Council via their website inviting me to report a 'Missed refuse collection'. In fact I have contacted them nearly every day in the vain hope that they may actually help me with this problem. Perhaps I should contact the BBC Natural History Department and seek advice from David Attenborough or Chris Packham as they never seem to suffer from a lack of wildlife.

I have lived at my present address for five years and during that time I have regularly put out bait for the previous genus of Refuse Collectors who appeared without fail every week and efficiently cleaned up. In fact I was unable to keep up with the amount of waste, such was their voracious appetites. Unfortunately for the residents of Wealden District these Refuse collectors must have migrated in July because I assume that this is the reason that the Council were promoting the Kier so enthusiastically.

The weather has changed again today and we have been promised sunny days and rising temperatures so I am hoping that  the elusive Kier will return. With this thought in mind I have been re baiting my feeding station in anticipation of a visit tomorrow. I have even given Mrs C double rations of wine this weekend in order to increase the amount of glass bottles for collection.

Tonight I will go to bed hopeful of seeing some activity at my feeding station in the morning, however were I a betting man, I have a feeling that I would get much better odds on seeing a flying pig or an alien encounter of the third kind.

Note: Some of you dear readers will have noticed that I describe the Kier as having plumage. How can this be, you say, as it is a mammal and they don't have feathers. But remember that a Kier is a creature of myth and imagination, such as the Griffin or Unicorn and very few people have actually claimed to have seen one, such is it's rarity. Also It's my blog and I'll describe it how I like, so there!